Explore the world, explore the self

[TransformingAnger] 15mins "We tend to notice anger as soon as it happens, but we often don’t notice the end of it." I think my annoyance is similar to anger. It might be just a milder version of anger to me. So next time when I feel annoyed, I will notice my out-breath and relax. It’ll be even better if I can catch the end of my feeling. See how my emotion changes. I felt a good posture today. Maybe it’s in the latter half of the session. I felt all my spine lined up and my thigh muscle relaxed. I noticed I tend to lean forward and that causes my leg muscles to tense up. When I opened my eyes in my good posture, I was looking straight instead of looking down like I have been doing for working and reading.  I finally get a hand on soft-focus today. I visualized in my session that I leaned back from my breath and only reach out one of my arms to ‘touch’ on the breath. Previously I was full head into the breath, the full focus on the breath. However, there w...

[Unguided 15mins] It went pretty well at the beginning. I was able to get into counting my breath well and go through several 10 counts in and out. However, I kind of dozing off fishing during the breathing. I don’t think I fell asleep but I suddenly had to catch myself from falling forward. It happened more than three times I think. I seemed to have some trouble maintaining the focus.  

[ ManagingAnxietyLvl1] 15mins "Let your thoughts and feelings come and go without trying to control them. Bring your mind back to the moment." Andy said it’s like talking to friends and families. You never think about how you talk to them but just talk to them. Observing thoughts and emotions should be similar to that, just observe and not thinking.   I didn’t have the satisfactory feeling when letting go because my concentration on the breath wasn’t as deep as yesterday. No pain no gain. Need to do the work in order to feel the reward.

[ManagingAnxietyLvl1] 15mins "It’s about building a strong foundation for acknowledging how you think and feel, with both the body and the mind." Build the foundation opposed to what? Oppose to just doing the motion? It should be talking about the everyday practice, Andy says the foundation is creating a space for the thinking and feeling to be noted. The space for them to exist but not occupying all of me. That’s how I interpret it. Because of the morning phone call with outside vendor, I did the meditation at the office this morning. There were a lot of distractions around but I was doing well during this session. I noted pretty strong emotion of anxiety on top of my stomach, all the way to the top of my lung. There was something else at the lower end of my stomach. I think it’s also anxiety/nervousness but it’s different than the one on top. The top one was more suffocating and the bottom one being a sharper pain. It could be the difference between anxiety...

[ManagingAnxietyLvl1] 15mins "If you tend to be anxious in everyday life, try to simply note it and return to the moment." Andy told me to distinguish thinking and feeling. I found that I was thinking the most of the time and didn’t have the feeling moment often. Or maybe that’s what I thought. Maybe I have miscategorized my feelings into thinking. As the event of talking to her, I thought I was thinking about the ways she behaved and what I plan to do, but in fact, I was feeling some anger toward her. I was feeling that she was being unfair. That was the feeling. Maybe I have been doing that, categorizing my feeling into me thinking about the event and thinking about what I should be doing. Maybe planning is part of “thinking”, but I should recognize my feeling toward the events as that, feelings.   So that means I finally am taking the first step toward my goal. After 251 days, I finally am recognizing my feelings and dealing with it. It’s later than I have tho...

[ProLevel6] 15mins "Identity is the feeling of me, myself, and I as separate from the world." A new and final course on the practice of meditation! I view ‘me’ as the gateway to the world. The world is filtered through ‘me’ before forming the existence in my mind. It will be amazing if I can see the world in its true form without my filter. Or Andy is just saying not to get too hung on the filter but see what’s passed through. He says we will go into more depth tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

[ ProLevel5] 15mins I don’t feel anymore. All thinking and not feeling. It’s kind of alarming that I can’t feel my Chi, I can’t feel the letting go of focus, and I can’t feel emotions in me. I feel like it’s all in my head about what I should be feeling in certain circumstances and not really the emotions. I am not sure if that’s connected to me not feeling Chi moving in me and the 集氣 exercise resulting empty-handed, but I do notice now they are happening at the same time.   On the other hand, I want to spend some more time thinking. It has been touted again and again to be a distinguishing feature of successful people. While I agree with that, I never really take it on to be my next habit. So during meditation, on one hand, I want to let go of those thoughts and get back to focusing on my breath, but at the same time, I relished the moments of ideas and peace in thinking. I do have plenty of time for that during my work, and I have been filling them with more readin...

[SelfEsteemLvl1] 15mins "Our identity, our storyline, is created by what we repeat. It becomes what we believe." Andy kept saying to catch myself thinking and feeling to label them and let them go while meditating. I did catch myself thinking a lot, but I don’t think I ever catch myself feeling. Enabling myself to feel more and know more about my feelings is actually one of the main reasons I started meditating. It’s funny that what I am seeking is actually other people’s trouble.

Listening to podcasts "Creating God" from Hidden Brain, the guest always talk about some other more relatable examples, such as culture of using fire is passed down to generations along with genetic heritage, and peacock’s costly display signifies the integrity, etc, before actually bringing up his points associated with religion being a human cultural construct for evolutionary beneficial purpose. It’s a great technique to bring the listener closer to accept his point of view. If he goes into the topic of religion, which is an unmovable faith in many people, whatever he says will face a lot of resistance even before he says it. This warming up the audience seems like a great way for any conveyance of idea, but need to pick those examples very carefully. If the disconnect is too large, people will focus on that instead of the merit of any examples or points you want to make.  

“Creating God” -Hidden Brain podcast The view of people created religions and god to impose values and curb behaviors is right down my alley. I believe so too. Because it’s so rational/economical it’s no wonder that the angry, bad-deed punishing gods work better than the loving and forgiving one according to the research. I wouldn’t discount the power of forgiving god either since Christianity is still pretty strong in this world. But thinking about it, the god in Christianity is also punishing and pretty unforgiving. It has everyone carry sin when they are born. There’s hell to punish wrong-doers, and there were natural disasters that wipe out all when it’s the majority that’s bad. With that kind of power, it’s pretty lazy to 砍掉重練. So the research seems to be accurate, it’s the scary gods that prevail in our society.  

[ProLevel2] 15mins "It’s really important to notice what the actual result is rather than just the expectation." Andy instructed me to notice what the result is when I get what I wish for. He was talking about the desire for a piece of cake, etc but I am thinking about my wish to study RE, learning code, etc. I really enjoyed what I have done. How about reading manga? There was a little bit regret of wasting time after granting myself to that desire and indulgence. So maybe those aren’t a good thing to pursue. I knew that, but I need to remind myself and act on it. At the beginning of the session, I felt excited for today when scanning, but I immediately doubted my feeling and wanted to dig deeper to find the ‘true’ feelings I would have. That’s kind of a waste of time and energy. I should believe myself. I should believe what I feel. I don’t need to doubt even that.   During the focus phase of the exercise, I was focusing on making my blood and qi flow to...

[ProLevel1] 15mins "When you find ways to embrace distractions and work with them, it becomes a vital part of training the mind." “Silence doesn’t mean in a quiet place, but rather the feeling” is another lesson from Andy that I like today. It empowers me more on the environment of me. I think mindfulness is very empowering. It makes realize that even in this vast world, I still mean something by making me know more about myself, aware of myself. Before this, my psyche was blended with the bigger environment. I, the person, was sucked into the vast ocean of all the people and nature. I want to connect to the bigger world and nature, but I had lost myself in it. My ideal is to be an individual that can roam the higher level of being, the collective of human society and the all-encompassing nature. Mindfulness helps me have a boundary of me. That membrane will be how I define myself.  I am still having problems with my posture. I felt more comfortable with a pi...

[Everyday Headspace] Knowing ourselves 10mins "Sometimes, in not knowing ourselves fully, we rely on the opinions of others, who may not even know themselves." The 10 minutes session this afternoon saved the day! With noise-canceling, I was able to really concentrate on breathing. Although there were some times my mind wondered off or dozed off, I noted those instances and brought attention back to my breath. I also confirmed again about my theory on the location of breath. My attention can change the location where the air comes into my nose.   The reason/drive for me to meditate is to know more about myself. I am not good at ‘knowing someone’, including myself. That’s just a fact. I haven’t been paying much attention to people before. I didn’t look for the personality, preference, background, etc of people. I expect and accept people are different in all aspects, but I was lazy that I didn’t look into those differences. I wanted to change that because of my...

[ ProLevel1] 15mins I feel like I have lost my way of focusing. It might start at the same time I didn’t feel qi moving in my body. In this session, I still wasn’t able to get into the deep focus as before. I felt the superficial calmness but my eyes were restless. I don’t know what went wrong. Or maybe I am at a stage that I was so comfortable with the focus that I was in it but didn’t notice. I doubt it though because of the telltale signs of eye movement and the lack of body relaxation afterward.   However, I noticed that I can control my breath more today. Previously, I found that when I was counting my breath, the air coming in was lower than normal. I found that I can control the air coming in low or high when I think about it, despite counting the breath or not. I think when I was counting, the numbers were in my mouth or somewhere lower than my nose, therefore my attention was at the lower end causing the feeling of air coming in the lower part of my nose. It’s not li...

[成大事者不糾結] by 羅振宇 從曾國藩後半生的事蹟可以學到儒家的理想是內聖外王，用最高的道德要求自己，但是對其他人是比較寬容的，畢竟想要在這世上完成理想，還是需要各路人馬的幫助，而多數人不是聖賢，也做不來。 So this not only applies to get work done, it’s the basic principle of how to be in a society. From home, family relationship, to work, colleague and supervisors, all these interpersonal relationships are bounded with other people. With the limited time on Earth and the mixed bag of backgrounds and personalities, letting go of the ideal in the world is the smart way to live. I won’t let the moral standard go for myself. That’s just who I am. So letting go the standard for others is something I needed reminders of.

[Surrendering] 5mins "If it feels like you’re constantly surrendering in your meditation, giving up old habits, letting go of old ways, you’re probably on the right path." The idea today was interesting. Andy says that during meditation, we are not creating or building up a strong mind or something like that, but rather letting go. Focus is letting go of distraction. Resilient is letting go of old habits. It feels a lot easier to do it since we are not making something new. We have the thing we want all along, and now we just need to let go of everything else covering it.

[ProLevel1] 15mins "Simply be aware of what you’re doing in the moment. Just be natural and aware." Slowing down and be more careful when doing things might be the side results of being more mindful and aware of the activity, but shouldn’t be the means to get to mindfulness.   I noticed that when I was counting my breath, the breath became heavier. I found it to be more natural and light when I was just placing some focus on the breath and observe. I felt the natural rhythm of breathing. That was just noticing how I breathe normally. But when I started to count the breath, I felt the heaviness crept in right away and weighted it down. I was so shocked at that discovery, I didn’t really observe how that heavy breathing was comparing to my normal breathing. Doing it now, I feel the airs are coming in through the lower part of my nostrils, dragged lower by the weight of it when I was counting the breath. While normal breathing is coming in through the top and feels fresh...

[ProLevel1] 15mins I might be too excited about my reunion lunch today that I was thinking too much throughout the session >< Especially when I was focusing on my breath, I kept thinking about the past, and the future, where I will be talking to them. The thoughts about what I will be saying, how I will behave myself, and what might they think about me kept dominating my brain. However, before I was focusing on breath, and when I was keeping a distance away in my mind, there weren't that many thinking going on. That is another affirmative evidence for the wild horse model. The more I press on my ‘focus’, the more resistance it creates. The soft focus approach seems like the solution for that because a smaller percentage of focus on the breath doesn’t excite as much resistance from my mind. It’s great that I am more aware and having more insight into those ‘basic techniques’ I learned at the beginning. That is a sign that I am more advanced now than before. The more ad...

[ProLevel1] 10mins "The only reason we sit is to create the right conditions to feel that sense of awareness." I am getting into the “pro level”, how exciting. Andy says I will be letting go of any focus and let the mind free during the meditation. So in that way, my mind will be able to be free even when I am doing something else and not necessarily be focusing on my breath. That way I can be mindful in my everyday life. That is the goal and this course should be my transition to that practice.   I still want her to meditate with me. But how will I approach this? She doesn’t think she “needs” it. She is fully aware of her thoughts and emotions. She said she wants to control her reactions to emotions better and be calmer, but she didn’t really take that benefit of meditation to be persuasive. Maybe I will just go to my basic desire, wanting to do the activity with her. Like exercise, I just want her in the activities I enjoy and do frequently. I love to see my parents ...

[DealingWithDistraction] 15mins "All we need to do is to notice when we’re distracted. In the moment we notice, we’re already focused." I think this is an interesting idea. It coincides with the soft focus idea.   Still had some #posture problem today. I still think sitting without the pillow under is better, but there were times when I slouched. Now it is better to put my rear back against a pillow so I don’t need to flex my thigh muscle when sitting up straight.   [Sitting with the mind] 5 mins "It’s natural to experience some self-pity as we observe the mind, but if we allow it to take root, we may well got lost in that maze." “Self-pity sometimes is addicting but not very good for us” I can associate myself with that idea. I don’t feel self-pity about thinking or having lots of thoughts. I have self-pity for a wide range of other reasons. But it’s just for my personal addiction. There’s no benefit of thinking that way. It might be hard ...

[DealingWithRegret] 15mins "We’re not defined by our actions. We’re not even defined by our thoughts." Andy says we are defined by the fundamental quality that’s beyond our thoughts and actions. It’s the blue sky he has been talking about that everyone has. Is it a way to connect all humankind to something bigger? I think this is a way for us to be calmer and be able to move forward easier. But that sounds too easy for me. Shouldn’t we think of ourselves in a more individualistic view to be responsible for our action and thoughts? Maybe it’s just a different way of thinking needed at different times. For times when I need to be calm, this way of thinking and definition can help with that, and be responsible for day to day life. Maybe I am just not fully understanding this idea of the definition by our higher quality. I think a good life guidance should apply to every aspects of life and not just picking certain instances. That’s similar to the goal of a unified theory in...

[DealingWithDistraction] 15mins Today done the meditation in the morning, went to bed and got up earlier than usual, after 甩手跟練氣, I felt a lot easier to get into focus. I also felt more comfortable with the posture. The pillow was on my back. I felt my body settled in quicker. Although near the end, I slouched a little bit and that broke my attention, after reminding myself and pull the string on my head, I could get back to focus. The pillow on my upper back took away stress from my neck, which I am feeling the strain right now sitting on the dining chair. I think today’s lesson is that I   "Only need to notice the distractions to get back to focus. No need really to pull myself back even just gently."   That is great because even gently, pulling attention back to my breath is an effort I need to make. Noticing is a lot more subtle and less effort. It’s easier to do and I can do it better. At the same time, I felt I had lots of thoughts coming in and out today, ...

[DealingWithDistraction] 15mins At the beginning of the session, I felt a mild headache when doing the body scan, but during the session, it felt less and less present. At the end of the meditation, I couldn’t find it any longer.  Today I was able to focus easily during the session. I had the feeling that I was underwater when I was in intense focus. I felt my senses, especially hearing, was covered up or muffled, so that I could hear my thoughts better. Or is that the sense of clarity Andy talked about in his book? Maybe I associate the focus with anything to do with water because in the book, Andy uses the metaphor of ripples in a deep and clear pool to describe thoughts in the mind.  Another thing I noticed today was that every breath I took was kind of different. Although I have been instructed to examine my breath carefully that there should be minute variation about them, I never really found them to be anything but identical. I don’t believe my breath were d...

[DealingWithDistraction] 15mins "When we don’t try too hard, the idea of effortless focus starts to make a lot more sense." Suppressing my eye movement doesn’t seem to work. Maybe that’s ‘trying too hard.’ I should just let it happen. I didn’t have as deep a focus as yesterday. I felt it both on my still moving eye movements and my mind. Still felt relaxed after the session but the difference between focus and letting go of focus wasn’t very obvious. I felt the familiar sense of comfortable pulsing in my head but not as profound. But maybe I shouldn’t seek that experience and just accept what I am feeling from day to day.   I think meditation helps me accept what other people feel. Before this, I know what other people feel about things, but I thought there’s some way to get rid of those unpleasant feeling or emotions. That is denying what and how they feel. Denial is not a good way to go about helping others. I think I am more accepting of her feelings and thin...

It’s a pretty short book with lots of pictures. I flipped through the book looking at the interesting sections. The book is mainly about what kind of behaviors we should have at work. • Not just do things by one’s self. Should think about how to convince others to follow suit. • Be a good employee to my managers. Not just at work but also on a personal level. This I think is mainly for the Japanese culture. I don’t think it’s necessary for the US workforce. It’s still good to bring gifts or snacks for everyone at work, but probably not asking managers to happy hours, especially the ones have families. • Help the people under management improve themselves and promote. Delegation is important for them to learn. • Use the connection of people on the same level in the hierarchy or the people went into the company around the same time. Both in the same company and outside right now. • Need to prioritize tasks and let go of those non-essential tasks. There’s a whole chapter about how t...

I love to have this habit of reading books. It came from my parents and 阿爹. Not only my dad’s curiosity and preaching for books inspired me to follow suit, but my mom’s habit of reading novels to unwind also taught me the fun and relaxing aspect of reading. In the beginning, looking at all those books accumulated in the study of 阿爹, should either intimidate me or awe me. But I remember that’s not what happened. I just viewed it be normal, as the furniture holding that extraordinary collection. I even just nonchalantly added my own kid's books to the shelves. I love it and was lucky to have this kind of environment that I felt reading books are normal and part of life.   There were times, not too long ago, I felt that with all those information easily accessible on the internet, I might not need books. There are all the articles, videos, podcasts, updates on the web that I can get all the knowledge and information I need from them. But I was wrong. Some ideas and stories do ...

[Dealing With Distraction] The action item from this lesson is: • Notice how often I get distracted, by phone or something else? Do that by keeping possible distraction away from reach and see how often I reach for them. • Pause during the day and focus, maybe use the visualization of attention flow learned from the previous course. I noticed at the beginning of my meditation, I had some rapid eye movements. I felt it when my eyes are closed. My eyelids kept fluttering, almost pried open by my eye movements. And during the meditation, I felt the eye quieted down when I got into the focus state. Sometimes when I had some thoughts and wandered off, the eyelid fluttering came back. I might be able to use this as an indication if I am in a focus state. Or maybe I can control my eye movements, calm it down, to get into the focus state faster. Another thing I noticed today is that if I write down the thoughts and action items, I can get back to focus state faster. There...