Day 189


[ProLevel2] 15mins
"It’s really important to notice what the actual result is rather than just the expectation."
Andy instructed me to notice what the result is when I get what I wish for. He was talking about the desire for a piece of cake, etc but I am thinking about my wish to study RE, learning code, etc. I really enjoyed what I have done. How about reading manga? There was a little bit regret of wasting time after granting myself to that desire and indulgence. So maybe those aren’t a good thing to pursue. I knew that, but I need to remind myself and act on it.
At the beginning of the session, I felt excited for today when scanning, but I immediately doubted my feeling and wanted to dig deeper to find the ‘true’ feelings I would have. That’s kind of a waste of time and energy. I should believe myself. I should believe what I feel. I don’t need to doubt even that. 
During the focus phase of the exercise, I was focusing on making my blood and qi flow to my left ankle. I did focus on that task but I realized that it is a task. During meditation, my focus should be on just observing and not doing something. However, is that really true? Walking and running meditation was focusing on the tasks while doing something, but maybe that’s the difference between those and the sitting meditation. Andy did say we need both types of meditation. So I should still focus on observing during my sitting meditation. 
Side note, during the task, I felt my qi can get to my right ankle well while kind of lacking in the left. I think the injury blocks my qi to the left ankle, and maybe opening up the path will help with the recovery as well. Near the end of today’s session, I felt that I entered into the deep focus and my left ankle was feeling warm. There might be some improvements today. 

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